I am Santa

I am Santa

Oct 18

Back in 1999, my life was very different than it is today. I was single… I was teaching school… I was a foster parent. I don’t know where my foster child is now but she certainly taught me some valuable lessons and I am not just hopeful but certain that she learned some valuable lessons from me. My foster daughter had an extremely rough upbringing that included neglect and sexual assault, that resulted in her being passed in an out of the court system and moved from group home to foster home and back. She had two younger brothers elsewhere, who had been adopted. You see, parents look for smaller children and my girl was too old to appeal to the idealists. You the reader, are probably wondering where she went and I often wonder the same. On some days, she was the quintissential teenager. Listening to the Backstreet Boys, giggling with friends, pigging out on the couch and watching cheesy movies but there were places inside of her that couldn’t be touched. Like many children in the foster care system, this young woman suffered from attachment disorder. Attachment disorders cause the individual to be unable to obtain close relationships, so much so that they will often sabotage the relationship, to maintain the feeling of being in control.

That is exactly what happened in this case. Unfortunately, this teenager needed more than one 27 year old individual could give. I learned that each human being will be helped at the precise point at which they choose to be. One cannot force their dreams, happiness, hopes and expectations onto another, no matter how genuine the gift. The social workers removed the girl from my care for my safety but I was more concerned for hers. There was no choice in the matter really. Accepting abuse from someone is hardly helpful. Enabling someone to self destruct is not responsible and hardly shows true love for them. True love ignores one’s own wants and thinks solely of what is best for the other.

Letting her go was one of the hardest things I ever had to do but everyone must learn that you cannot blame the world for your own personal circumstance but instead use your life experiences as fuel to help you achieve what you truly deserve from life. I’ll never regret one moment I spent with her. My only regret is that she wasn’t able to accept love. I wrote the following poem just a few weeks after the social workers came.

I Am Santa

My friends have called me “the queen of analogies” but little did they know that I was Santa.

I carry a pack on my back. A child, disguised as a toy bag metaphorically speaking.

Unfortunately, the bag has been neglected &

down chimneys and over time just gave in to it’s burdens.

The funny thing is, (I just laughed in spite of myself) that even though I know there’s a hole in this bag, I continue to throw presents into the chasm.

I would have better luck

attempting to fill the Grand Canyon with M & M‘s.

At least then it would be a task that is measurable.

This bag, however, is not.

Infinite is a long time………………………………………………… Just ask God.

E m p t y

things by nature scream to be filled.

Earth sucks because space is a vacuum.

The bag is empty, it needs to be filled.

I am Santa

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